Overview

Count Slad the Improver is the proprietor of Slad Manor and one of the Beandom’s most improbable residents. He possesses the cape, fangs, pale complexion, and dramatic entrance expected of a vampire. He also wears black overalls, maintains a lengthy repair waitlist, and asks visitors whether they need anything fixed.

His professional title is “handyvamp.” His personal philosophy is that almost any structure can be improved, although the structures and their owners may not always agree on the timing.

The Improbable Swamp

Slad’s home lies behind an iron gate in the Improbable Swamp near Mount Ominous. The estate includes a fixer-upper residence, a more imposing manor, a line of enchanted stone guardians, and a magical boundary the Living Dead refuses to cross.

The swamp earns its name from contradictions that should not exist but do: a vampire who loves garlic, a count who dislikes numbers, and an undead creature that cries for grains instead of brains.

The Vegetarian Vampire

Slad avoids the traditional vampire diet. He prefers red foods and drinks that preserve the proper atmosphere without requiring anyone to become dinner. Tomato sauce and red wine are favorites. Beet juice appears when he is dieting, though he can barely tolerate it.

His cooking includes manticorii, chimeracotti, and griffin gnocchi. The recipes rely on rich red sauces and family traditions. When Bellissimo asks about a secret ingredient, Slad briefly claims it is blood before admitting it is fresh tosca beans.

Garlic and Other Misconceptions

Contrary to widespread belief, garlic does not destroy Slad. He enjoys it. He explains that many vampires avoid garlic because sleeping in enclosed coffins makes bad breath especially unpleasant, not because a clove is inherently fatal.

This preference becomes the exact form of irony needed to defeat the Living Dead. A garlic-loving vampire can weaponize the very breath his people are expected to fear.

The Enchanted Guardians

Statues line the path to Slad Manor. Each can be awakened as a temporary bodyguard by touching it and pronouncing the ancient vampiric command blehBLEHbleh, with the stress firmly on the middle syllable.

The guardians include armored creatures, an iron soldier, and Nana, an elderly vampire with a rolling pin and a remarkably stain-resistant apron. Repeating the command returns an awakened guardian to its pedestal and restores any pieces lost during service.

The Living Dead Problem

Slad’s renovations are complicated by a singular undead creature roaming the grounds. Fire, beheading, impalement, holy water, cages, and even orcish poetry fail to remove it. The creature’s appetite is divided between undead instinct and its former vegan principles, causing it to cry “Grains!” while attacking visitors.

Bellissimo, Sir Roderick, ELM, and Jackdaw arrive seeking the next clue in their oxymoron quest. After several failed plans, Sir Roderick identifies Slad himself as the necessary ironic weapon.

Rabbit Form

Not every vampire changes into a bat. Slad describes himself as more of a fanged-rabbit shapeshifter. Under pressure, he becomes a small black rabbit and flees the initial charge of the Living Dead.

He then returns as a massive attack rabbit, intercepting the zombie, grappling it, and repeatedly declaring that there is no place like home. His garlic-heavy breath forces the creature back underground and produces the tombstone clue leading to the Moronic Ox.

Personality

Slad is hospitable, theatrical, industrious, and proud of his profession. Even his invitations carry the unfortunate ambiguity expected of a vampire. He may offer to have travelers for dinner while sincerely meaning that he wants to feed them pasta.

He accepts corrections and risks himself when others point out that he has possessed the solution to his problem all along. Once the Living Dead is gone, his first concerns are gratitude, future renovations, and making certain everyone knows whom to call when something needs fixing.

Strengths

• Repair knowledge: Improves buildings and maintains enchanted estate systems.
• Culinary skill: Produces memorable pasta and tomato sauces.
• Shapeshifting: Can become a small escape rabbit or a giant combat rabbit.
• Hospitality: Welcomes strangers even during a prolonged undead infestation.
• Weaponized irony: Turns garlic breath into an anti-zombie force.

Relationships

Appearances

• Both an Ox and a Moron… — hosts the party and defeats the Living Dead
• A Wonderful Week for a Quest — the complete seven-book collection

Count Slad has all the atmosphere of an ancient vampire lord and all the scheduling difficulties of a successful contractor. Plan your haunting—and your renovation—several months in advance.

—The Chronicler

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