Today as promised, an interview with Xandir, the main character of my novel, “The Last Archangel”.
Interviewer: We have here today a guest that wasn’t so easy to get ahold of. He isn’t listed in the yellow pages, you can’t read his blog, and the guy never tweets. Xandir is a destroying angel by day, and by night…well, still a destroying angel. In fact, he’s got the gig until the End of the World. At least there’s job security, right?
Xandir: You’re awfully gutsy making fun of some with a sword in each hand. I’ll have you know, I once toasted two cities and turned a lady into a pillar of salt all before lunchtime. Don’t test me.
Interviewer: Sorry, it’s just, I’ve never interviewed an angel before. From all the paintings and stained glass windows I’ve seen, you all seemed to be an easy-going lot. I see I’ve been misled.
Xandir: Yeah, well, you wouldn’t be the first. I know we don’t exactly offer to pose for portraits, but greeting card companies really just need to try harder.
Interviewer: Perhaps you would like to dispel some other common misconceptions for us, Xandir.
Xandir: Sure, where do I start? I could probably write a whole book about it.
Interviewer: What about music in heaven? Is harp strumming compulsory?
Xandir: Do you think I’d be caught dead with something as frilly as a harp? No, angels play all sorts of things, though I think a few instruments have been banned. The accordion, the bagpipes, and the kazoo have been relegated to Hell.
Interviewer: Kazoo-wielding demons. Now there’s one more reason to stay on the straight and narrow. I can’t help but notice that your wings don’t look quite like I had imagined. They look more like the surface of a bubble. Do all angels have them?
Xandir: Most do. But remember the wings are more substantial than they look, and we’re not birds. Not even little cherubs for all their sickly-sweetness.
Interviewer: That’s reminds me, there seem to be a lot of different types of angels. How does that work?
Xandir: The little bite-sized ones are the cherubim. They are the younger ones in training, usually apprentices to more senior angels. The suck-ups get made Seraphim, who take great pride in supervising the rest of us. I’ve got a High Seraph who acts as my glorified baby sitter. It’s his job to make sure I don’t just destroy stuff for fun. Or boredom. I guess there are some Archangels even above them, but who cares about them?
Interviewer: Interesting. Now, I’ve got to ask, is there really a cloud nine? What makes it so great?
Xandir: Yeah, it exists, but it’s not really that much better than clouds one through eight. I think there’s a pretty good ambrosia stand there, but, you know, it’s been a while.
Interviewer: So, I know you’ve probably got to get on to destroying some more things, but I’ve got to know. What’s will halos? You don’t seem to have one.
Xandir: You’re pretty observant for a mortal. The deal is, not all angels have them. What you all see as a halo is actually a crown given to big wig angels. Like most angelic clothing, the crowns glow and create that ‘halo’ effect around the angel’s face. What I’d do to try on one of the Archangel’s crowns. It would make a Rolex look like a Cracker Jack toy.
Interviewer: Where are you going? I have some other questions I’d like to ask.
Xandir: Too bad. Duty calls. Oh, and I’d stay off the interstate today if I were you. I’m headed there now, and it might not be pretty.
Interviewer:Thanks for the tip. I’ll…and he’s gone. You heard him folks, straight from the angel’s mouth: stay off the interstate, and, well, don’t take up the kazoo.