VILLAINS OF THE BEANDOM
ELM’s Henchman Auditions
Garglemesh, Drakken, Mordgrog, several regrettable evil performances, and the selection of Wormtoe as chief minion.
Recruiting for World Domination
After losing Grimblewaith, ELM gathers a lair full of villains, monsters, and professional scum. He announces that one applicant will join his campaign of conquest, then reduces the selection process to two measurable competencies: an evil ability and an evil laugh.
Garglemesh
Garglemesh is a gray, muscular three-headed Whatsit with pointed teeth, numerous eyebrows, and a forked tongue. Each head can react independently, allowing him to express skepticism, eagerness, and contempt at the same time.
His audition boasts of minor social offenses rather than world-shaking crimes. Years later, ELM remembers his intimidating appearance and asks Fannie to assume Garglemesh’s form as a bodyguard on Misfit Island.
Drakken
Drakken’s upper body is covered in black scales, and his eyes have narrow slits. He breathes fire whether he intends to or not, making him dangerous near thatched roofs, marshmallows, pepper, and formal indoor auditions.
His enthusiasm for burning things is genuine, but his habit of mocking ELM’s undeveloped evil laugh does not improve his employment prospects.
Mordgrog
Mordgrog is a rough hobgoblin brewer with a hairy fist and a flagon of potent hobgoblingrog. Other villains tolerate him largely because he makes the finest version of the drink in the realm.
His proposed evils include cheating at cards, ignoring birthdays, refusing spare change, and participating in pillaging relays. The résumé is unpleasant but insufficiently theatrical for ELM’s needs.
The Winning Audition
Most candidates offer evil arias, tap routines, nursery rhymes, and disappointingly ordinary misconduct. Wormtoe wins by demonstrating a convincing damsel imitation, a plan to lure heroes into traps, and a laugh sinister enough to disturb dark lords in neighboring kingdoms.
ELM dismisses the remaining applicants and appoints Wormtoe chief minion. Garglemesh uses all of his eyebrows to question whether ELM ever had a life before becoming evil, ensuring that he is among the first ordered out.
Chronicler’s note: The audition established a lasting truth of villain management: measurable hiring criteria do not guarantee sensible hiring decisions.
Michael D. Young 